Surviving the Holidays... as an engaged couple.

Ah, Christmas. A magical season of wonder, family, and reflection. But it’s also a time of hustle and bustle—enduring travel and navigating family dynamics. For engaged couples and their families, there's an added challenge: the reality that extended time together means it's inevitable that you and your family will be wedding planning. Every holiday season, many newly engaged couples face the unique challenge of planning their wedding in person with relatives. I’ll admit, I’m a little odd. I've learned this about myself. When I wedding plan with a couple, I actually enjoy the process of finding and solving problems together. For me, each wedding is like a riddle to be unraveled; I can almost picture the knots being untangled as I work through the details. While I’m a huge fan of wedding planning, I understand that for most people, the experience of planning a wedding with family might be better described as "the group project from hell."

Remember group projects? The ones most of us hated to do in school. Where your success depended on collaborating and depending on other individuals all with different work ethics and work styles than you. Were you the procrastinator that everyone in the group was mad at because you weren't turning in your pieces on time? Or were you the over achiever doing all of the work of the group?

Wedding planning is the biggest, most expensive and in some cases the most emotional group project you will embark upon with all of your family and friends. Depending on the family, it can quickly become emotional this holiday season. Here's a little advice on staying sane. 

#1: Use my Magic Phrases:

I've got a few tried and true phrases to change the momentum of conversations going astray. 

1) I don't have a preference, what do you think?

2) Let me think about it

3) My concern is:

When confronted with a topic you don't find life giving, with a person who is not taking your social cues that you are fatiguing on the topic, it can be hard to remain calm. They are going on and on about the importance of favors and the lost art of monogrammed dish towels or something obscure. They are likely engaging in their fantasy of wedding planning, or reliving their limited experiences with weddings that may or may not be relevant to you. Instead of saying "I don't care about wedding favors" say "I don't have a strong preference, what do you think?" I don't care about XX can be hurtful to your fellow group mate. If it's your fiance or your mother in law or your aunt. Likely they do care. Maybe they care enough to sponsor that detail of your wedding. Let me think about it, let's you off the hook to actually go and think about it and my favorite is to honestly express a concern.

"My concern is the expense, we may need to apply the budget elsewhere." "My concern is the timing, we have a shorter engagement." "My concern is the complexity it ads, we need to keep it simple." True team players seek to validate and alleviate your concerns. They should respond to your "my concern is" statements non dismissively. People who say "of course, or yes that's a big priority" and then give meaningful solutions should be bookmarked in your mind. Family that dismisses your concerns "well it's not that much money" "I don't think it's too much work but that's just me." May need to be steered away from wedding planning conversation. Your feelings and concerns are important after all and you are seeking problem solvers for your team.  

2) We don't know yet is totally ok to say... a lot. 

It's so hard to say it over and over and over.

When is the wedding... "we don't know yet?"

Are you getting married here in town... "we don't know yet?"

Are you invited Aunt Sophie?... "we don't know yet?"

But truly it is ok. There is an order to these things. Think of wedding planning like sorting a bunch of socks. It's going to get easier and easier the more it goes along. Initial decisions are the hardest to make, they set you on a path. So if you haven't made some of the big early ones yet, you will feel like all of the wedding is up in the air. But don't worry there are things you can talk about:

 #3 Keep your fantasy alive: stick with your key priorities

When you can't talk specifics, talk in generalities. We are just so excited to be engaged! We are just so excited to begin planning more in 2025. We do know we want it to be (big, small, intimate, inclusive, outdoors, religious, laid back, ideally in XX town). You can use the opportunity to be candid if the journey has been tricky or emotional even to start. You can set boundaries if you need a break from planning talk. You should also respect other family member's boundaries when you can see they are fatiguing. 

If you need to: keep it light. Talk about the areas that give you life to dream about: the food, the open bar, the live band, the DRESS, the honeymoon, the fact that at some point it will be over. Know that even if it's emotional, taking the time to speak positively about your engagement is an important step of building your event. You never know what kind auntie or generous uncle hears your need for help and offers to dive in. Maybe they know a resource to suggest, they want to throw you a shower down the road, they would be willing to come early and set up chairs... You never know who has been dying to come over and congratulate you on your engagement in person so as fatigued as you might be and as sensative as you might feel, when someone comes over and asks you "hows wedding planning going?" remember to graciously accept that they likely just want to congratulate you. You can say "well... it's a little stressful actually but we're so happy to be engaged." And if people offer to help, make a mental note. Like most things your community should be a source of help and support to you in the months to come.